When LJ isn't write-only-memory
Jul. 11th, 2005 12:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pseydtonneI was just rereading my LJ entries over the past twelve months. I forget why I started. It had depressed me by the time I stopped. Bad choice of Sunday night activities.
I am now going to encapsulate what I learned so that I can refer back to this entry when I need motivation. Maybe I should friends-lock this but I won't because I may need some of you to remind me of what I am saying right now.
I lost 30 pounds in five weeks. Why did I stop? Oh yeah, because I noticed how differently people were treating me. That bugged me. I had a clear and specific reason to change my diet. I should just force myself back to that because I am starting to get comfortable with my life again. I also should not worry how some of you now see me as a different person because I actually am a different person.
I broke up with Maggie. This was a painful thing to do. I had to it, Dante. Yes, I am the person with the biggest issue about it. I would explain it to anyone and everyone else understood it but I wasn't even listening to myself. I was so damn afraid of being alone that I ignored it when she said to me "I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." I was so good at lying to myself about the meaning of her statement that I would convince her she was wrong. I was using my skills of persuasion for selfish goals. That's a sin or just plain wrong.
I am dating again. It took a little effort to realize what I needed and that it was not going to happen until I stopped haggling with myself about it. I needed sex. This is not the same thing as a relationship, no matter how much I may wish to confuse the two. I needed to feel a physical proximity with another person. Now that I have had this, I feel a lot more relaxed. I also feel that I am a sexual person and repressing that need only makes things worse.
I am a character. I am the kind of person that would have been a street bum had I stayed in Utica because I would have had no sense of community to keep me tied to reality. I am still hung up on my home town because I don't get it. I throw so many fears onto my understanding of the place. Now that I have a day job that I find very rewarding, challenging and captivating, I must also remember to give myself the time to grow into it.
I am a go-getter. I am doing no one a favor by pretending I am not dominant. I am weird. Get used to it. I turn myself into a wreck when I try to conform. I live in a place where I do not need to conform. Being myself is getting me high marks from customers. Groovy. It's also giving me a better sense of self-reward.
I am a capitalist. I see getting money as the only way to give the stuff away to those that could use it. I am still learning a way to do this usefully. I also believe in paying taxes because I am not delusional about how much it costs to fix expressways and keep street lights on. However, I cannot see why some things should stay illegal to sell when the tax rate on them would pay for all the other crap the government wants to do.
I will clean this damn apartment. It will be messy over and over again. This apartment is a manifestation of my psyche. I will also get my asshole neighbor out of my hair by getting his stupid cyclone fence righted on Sunday and then he can STOP CALLING ME. It's a rusty cyclone fence, asshole! It was put up so long ago that I could cut myself on the metal slats slid diagonally between the hashings and get tetanus if my shots weren't up to date.
I make a lousy Sicilian. The other Sicilians look at me like I'm queer. Guess what? I AM QUEER! I don't like wearing jewelry, I don't wear a mudashad ("wife-beater"), and I don't come off particularly masculine compared to people from my hometown or my asshole neighbors. I don't belong in Melrose. I need to move back to Somerville. I am an aging hipster and I should plant my stakes with the other aging hipsters with day jobs.
I hate having writer's block. LJ isn't really writing -- it's sucking my thumb in public. I've had writer's block so long that I look at my old poetry and say "wait, who wrote this?" Maybe I should stop calling it "writer's block" and call it lethargy. That might get me to assign some writing time to myself each week.
Oh, and I live in a flat neighborhood. This means going for a daily walk is not a difficult task. This also means I have no excuse not to do it.
It's also time for me to meditate again. Yeah, I said it. I meditate. I try my damnedest to clear my mind and find out something bigger than myself.
I suck at replying in a timely manner. Please accept my apologies when I don't get back to you for a long time. Let's be fair, though: some of you are impossible to reach.
In fact, it's just time for me to make a clean break from my fear of not conforming. I am logical and sane, but I am only centered because I consider getting centered an important task. I go out and have experiences. Some of them are strange but they all turn out to be necessary. I am going to be weird and I am even going to enjoy how each person I meet will see different versions of me even when each of them sees the same event. I am not the Federal government or network television: I refuse to pander. I will entertain you but I am not a puppet.
I did not lj-cut this entry. If that makes you angry that I took up space, get stuffed. For once I needed to get everything out and let others see it. This is not whining. It's the completion of thoughts. I am not going to follow someone's rules.
-yes actually, I feel a lot better now that I wrote all of this.
Addendum: I was going to remove "get stuffed" and even add an LJ-cut because the milquetoast side of me was feeling its oats. Then I decided: nah. Sometimes I have to call bluffs. In fact, I'd say this self-evisceration has been good for my soul. You need a meme? How about "which of my own demons will I confront today?" Take that to you own LJ or comment here. What are you not sure you're ready to admit to the world but will admit anyway to get yourself out of a rut?
I am now going to encapsulate what I learned so that I can refer back to this entry when I need motivation. Maybe I should friends-lock this but I won't because I may need some of you to remind me of what I am saying right now.
I lost 30 pounds in five weeks. Why did I stop? Oh yeah, because I noticed how differently people were treating me. That bugged me. I had a clear and specific reason to change my diet. I should just force myself back to that because I am starting to get comfortable with my life again. I also should not worry how some of you now see me as a different person because I actually am a different person.
I broke up with Maggie. This was a painful thing to do. I had to it, Dante. Yes, I am the person with the biggest issue about it. I would explain it to anyone and everyone else understood it but I wasn't even listening to myself. I was so damn afraid of being alone that I ignored it when she said to me "I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." I was so good at lying to myself about the meaning of her statement that I would convince her she was wrong. I was using my skills of persuasion for selfish goals. That's a sin or just plain wrong.
I am dating again. It took a little effort to realize what I needed and that it was not going to happen until I stopped haggling with myself about it. I needed sex. This is not the same thing as a relationship, no matter how much I may wish to confuse the two. I needed to feel a physical proximity with another person. Now that I have had this, I feel a lot more relaxed. I also feel that I am a sexual person and repressing that need only makes things worse.
I am a character. I am the kind of person that would have been a street bum had I stayed in Utica because I would have had no sense of community to keep me tied to reality. I am still hung up on my home town because I don't get it. I throw so many fears onto my understanding of the place. Now that I have a day job that I find very rewarding, challenging and captivating, I must also remember to give myself the time to grow into it.
I am a go-getter. I am doing no one a favor by pretending I am not dominant. I am weird. Get used to it. I turn myself into a wreck when I try to conform. I live in a place where I do not need to conform. Being myself is getting me high marks from customers. Groovy. It's also giving me a better sense of self-reward.
I am a capitalist. I see getting money as the only way to give the stuff away to those that could use it. I am still learning a way to do this usefully. I also believe in paying taxes because I am not delusional about how much it costs to fix expressways and keep street lights on. However, I cannot see why some things should stay illegal to sell when the tax rate on them would pay for all the other crap the government wants to do.
I will clean this damn apartment. It will be messy over and over again. This apartment is a manifestation of my psyche. I will also get my asshole neighbor out of my hair by getting his stupid cyclone fence righted on Sunday and then he can STOP CALLING ME. It's a rusty cyclone fence, asshole! It was put up so long ago that I could cut myself on the metal slats slid diagonally between the hashings and get tetanus if my shots weren't up to date.
I make a lousy Sicilian. The other Sicilians look at me like I'm queer. Guess what? I AM QUEER! I don't like wearing jewelry, I don't wear a mudashad ("wife-beater"), and I don't come off particularly masculine compared to people from my hometown or my asshole neighbors. I don't belong in Melrose. I need to move back to Somerville. I am an aging hipster and I should plant my stakes with the other aging hipsters with day jobs.
I hate having writer's block. LJ isn't really writing -- it's sucking my thumb in public. I've had writer's block so long that I look at my old poetry and say "wait, who wrote this?" Maybe I should stop calling it "writer's block" and call it lethargy. That might get me to assign some writing time to myself each week.
Oh, and I live in a flat neighborhood. This means going for a daily walk is not a difficult task. This also means I have no excuse not to do it.
It's also time for me to meditate again. Yeah, I said it. I meditate. I try my damnedest to clear my mind and find out something bigger than myself.
I suck at replying in a timely manner. Please accept my apologies when I don't get back to you for a long time. Let's be fair, though: some of you are impossible to reach.
In fact, it's just time for me to make a clean break from my fear of not conforming. I am logical and sane, but I am only centered because I consider getting centered an important task. I go out and have experiences. Some of them are strange but they all turn out to be necessary. I am going to be weird and I am even going to enjoy how each person I meet will see different versions of me even when each of them sees the same event. I am not the Federal government or network television: I refuse to pander. I will entertain you but I am not a puppet.
I did not lj-cut this entry. If that makes you angry that I took up space, get stuffed. For once I needed to get everything out and let others see it. This is not whining. It's the completion of thoughts. I am not going to follow someone's rules.
-yes actually, I feel a lot better now that I wrote all of this.
Addendum: I was going to remove "get stuffed" and even add an LJ-cut because the milquetoast side of me was feeling its oats. Then I decided: nah. Sometimes I have to call bluffs. In fact, I'd say this self-evisceration has been good for my soul. You need a meme? How about "which of my own demons will I confront today?" Take that to you own LJ or comment here. What are you not sure you're ready to admit to the world but will admit anyway to get yourself out of a rut?
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-11 04:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-11 05:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-11 05:58 am (UTC)Hurrah.
Date: 2005-07-11 12:23 pm (UTC)Congratulations, if that's not too weird to say.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-11 01:13 pm (UTC)Ha ha ha ha. Good for you. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-07-11 07:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-12 08:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-12 08:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-12 12:25 pm (UTC)*hug*