This has a good point at the end.

[pseydtonne]

I was rash to call Debian Linux "bureaucratic". It's like calling a Zen guru a pencil-pusher just because the guru doesn't answer your question automatically.

I'm reading the copious documentation. The secrets are there. However, skipping from link to link is not providing answers. Only reading the installation documentation in order will I find all the information I need. I will save myself time when I invest enough time in this reading.

I couldn't get the time shift I needed to take the CS course at Tufts. Therefore, I've decided to get the laptop working anyway. I want to be able to write code while sitting on the futon. I want to have the books on my left, the laptop on my lap, and vinyl on the stereo. I spend too much of my day at a desk. If I'm going to fall into programming and thus let what I already know emerge, I need to get comfy.

So I'll read the Debian documentation. Then I'll copy the files I need. Then I will install Debian via the Net install. Then I'll realize I'm simply avoiding learning about Perl or C or sysadmin stuff because it's been so long since I disciplined myself. Then I'll write revelations about my inner psyche but I won't read them. Then other people will have to tell me the amazing insights I had. Then I'll ask y'all where you learned that. Then you'll tell me you read them here. Then I'll say something pithy and witty but I'll forget that too. Then I'll fail to make any intimate emotional bonds with people because I'll feel like I have too many billions of other loose ends so why create more.

Or something.

I'm sorry I don't write anyone. I can't sit down and write an email. It's simple when I actually sit down and write. It's difficult when I think about writing. My brain is such an amazing tool that I can watch it spin in neutral for days on end.

I've gotten fabulous at making excuses. I can spin lots of them. That doesn't mean I should.

Okay, this got depresso wicked fast. Then again, at least it wasn't all geeking. I feel like I failed when I didn't go to graduate school. I did so many other things that i never would have thought to try if I'd stayed in academia. I think a lot of it is that I want a guru but I keep finding myself being the guru. I want to follow but I wind up leading. Once I enjoy leading, I fuck up.

Maggie's good for me this way. She knows things about animals. To her, all of her animal handling knowledge is common sense; to me, it's radical fundamentalism. It blows my mind when she sees an animal and tunes in to it immediately. I look at a new animal and say, "have you thought about high-speed Internet service?" She leads me. I make decisions, but they're based on the inspiration of a person that really knows what she wants.

I suppose I should marry her.

And something.


-scared to sleep in case I forget why I thought of this, Dante