(no subject)

I don't have anything brilliant to report. Just start here and watch as many of these Five-Second Films as you can.

...no relation to the five-second movies.

Much funnier.

P.S.: A Separate Peace is about preppies hating non-boring people. Thus, anyone caught feeling for the narrator should be beaten. Discuss.

The Western Canon (tm) is not so polite

dimers had a fascinating comment to my last post: "Most classics are about hate". This is a strong assertion, so I tested it on the first Canon texts I could recall. These are presented in chronological order thanks to cut and paste technology:

Thebean Cycle (King Oedipus through Antigone): Guy wants to see the truth. Then it turns out he's been schtupping his mother after he killed his father. People that didn't know the truth had good lives; people that knew had lousier ones. Ultra-MILF hangs herself, king gouges out his eyes for seeing truth. Later he teaches his youngest daughter-sister what was up, then he dies (it's a middle book, so it's boring -- the unlearned lesson for writers is not to write a three-parter). Incestuous king's uncle is now the king and is a total prick. New king decides old king is dirty so he cannot be buried in town. Previously mentioned daughter of old king disobeys, buries him in town, gets executed. Town overrun, possibly by Jehovah's Witnesses. We need a satyr play after that. 1

The Bacchae: Guy tries to fight off the god of liquor, who has the Ladies' Auxiliary in a frenzy. A slave breaks to everyone who killed whom. Author hopes the guilt will lead to a proto-Christian morality. Socrates smiles, women's rights get slaughtered. 1

Ovid's Metamorphoses: Gods like to schtup humans, sometimes in bestial play. Humans get knocked up and give birth to daimoi (half-human, half-god). Daimoi get annoyed that they don't have godlike powers but can't frickin' die, so they trash themselves and others around them. Lots of hate. 1

The Gospels: Jesus shows up. He does fascinating things, but that increasingly pisses off the puppet council running Judea for the Romans. They get everyone into a Hate Week frenzy and Jesus gets a slow lynching. Everyone feels guilty and realizes they've killed the walking wine shop. Yup, that's hate -- and it seems strangely familiar. 1

Romeo and Juliet: Two families hate each other. A whole West Side Story kinda thing happens, without the annoying music and choreography. Lots of stabbings. It's a recipe for hate. 1

Candide: Naive aristocrat thinks this is the best of all possible worlds, since that's what his bookish teacher said. They go on adventures, score a bunch of gold and then lose it all about as fast. Aristocrat comes home broke but decides to pick up with the girl he found hot way back. She's not hot anymore; he's not as naive anymore. Aristocrat tends to his garden, realizing that's all there is to life if you own property. Somehow he's not bitter. -1

Moby Dick: Patrick Stewart has to go chase his whale. The survivor tells a mind-blowing story. I knew this would be my kind of book from page one, when the narrator says he knew it was time to get hard labor on a ship because he felt like "deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off" -- that's like a line from the Damaged album. 1

Walden: Andy Rooney builds a house out in Concord. He's a curmudgeon but he definitely has his Thucydidean skills when he itemizes his hardware store purchases. Some people revere this book, usually until they move to Vermont and find out the locals hate flatlanders. Let's call this one a draw.

1984: Hate Week. Enough said. 1

Six out of nine. Okay, your point has been proven albeit loosely. Let's look at non-canonical works --

erotica: Person turned on by another person. They schtup. Usually they get dinner first. -1

NASA For Dummies: America gets Werner von Braun from the Nazis and the Soviets get all of his underlings. A space race ensues. That's some serious frickin' hate. Then America goes to the moon six times out of seven. The Soviets build space stations. We give them lifts home. The Cold War ends. No one knows why we need space stations anymore. Hatred wanes. I'd call this a draw.

Peter Bagge's Hate Comics: Loser people in Seattle, some of whom wind up in New Jersey. Lead female doesn't like that she can't steer her life but doesn't really do much about it. Lead male character gets more control of his life mostly because he hates the people around him. The word "Hate" is in the title but most of the hatred is the reader disliking the characters. Then again, hatred on some level is everyone's fuel. 1

Hmm... That's zero out of three. Maybe we are working out these issues -- or maybe I'm being too selective about which texts get in the chart. After all, I'm just looking around my room.

-rock this city, Dante