I have to admit I'm still depressed if I want to get over it.

So I'm saying it.

I was hanging out with shava23 this evening. She was tagging the doors of people likely to vote for... umm... damnit, the guy with the orange flyers running for Cambridge City Council. You know, it's not like I didn't watch her hang 100 of these damn flyers between 8 pm and 2 am. We walked all over the fifth ward (most of Cambridgeport) tagging houses. We talked. Well, I did a lot of the talking.

I finally admitted aloud of the first time in a while that I'm still depressed about having to break up with Maggie. I say so many delusional things to myself so that I can "move on". Then I proceed not to move on. I proceed to grouse and mope.

I'm tired of moping. I cannot be rescued by landing some fiction of a romantic relationship when what I really need is someone to snuggle me for a week. I can't give nor can I share because I feel tapped and cannot think of what to share. I have to start getting these real emotions out if I'm ever going to start doing something new.

Maggie is not coming back. I hardly remember what she looks like. I had to send her home to save my life and get her back on track. So now what? I have all the things I could ever want physically. I have time, money and friends. What do I want? It feels like I want to be rescued. Preposterous, right? I worked my ass off to get to this point and all I want is to share that but I cannot seem to share with myself.

It's time to go back to therapy. It's time to enjoy something. How do I start? How do I conquer pain?