I have to admit I'm still depressed if I want to get over it.

[pseydtonne]

So I'm saying it.

I was hanging out with shava23 this evening. She was tagging the doors of people likely to vote for... umm... damnit, the guy with the orange flyers running for Cambridge City Council. You know, it's not like I didn't watch her hang 100 of these damn flyers between 8 pm and 2 am. We walked all over the fifth ward (most of Cambridgeport) tagging houses. We talked. Well, I did a lot of the talking.

I finally admitted aloud of the first time in a while that I'm still depressed about having to break up with Maggie. I say so many delusional things to myself so that I can "move on". Then I proceed not to move on. I proceed to grouse and mope.

I'm tired of moping. I cannot be rescued by landing some fiction of a romantic relationship when what I really need is someone to snuggle me for a week. I can't give nor can I share because I feel tapped and cannot think of what to share. I have to start getting these real emotions out if I'm ever going to start doing something new.

Maggie is not coming back. I hardly remember what she looks like. I had to send her home to save my life and get her back on track. So now what? I have all the things I could ever want physically. I have time, money and friends. What do I want? It feels like I want to be rescued. Preposterous, right? I worked my ass off to get to this point and all I want is to share that but I cannot seem to share with myself.

It's time to go back to therapy. It's time to enjoy something. How do I start? How do I conquer pain?

Comments

[starburstlvr.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I hate being in that stage. But it's a necessary one and you seem well on your way to dealing with things. Much faster than most people it would seem. Good luck to you!

[audioboy.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, but it sounds like you've got some determination building up. Going back to therapy could be a good start (says he who should also think about going back to therapy).

As to having fun, well, it looked like you had fun during "Chicken Heart", so I suspect planning our next show could be helpful. :)

Hang in there.

[fuzzplugjones.livejournal.com]

The world needs more people like you.

Unfortunately, until it has more people like you, you're going to feel very lonely.

I might have something for you that will help put that energy to good use. Hit me up, willya? I'll do anything I can to help.

[fuzzplugjones.livejournal.com]

By the way, don't go back to therapy. Maggie's the one who needs therapy. Any reasonable, grown-up, mature woman who saw you suffering like this would fall unequivocally and completely in love with you. That isn't your fault. Attitudes pushed by therapists are the reason we're here in the first place. "Oh, I don't have to tell Dante how I feel, I can just tell my therapist." Maybe it helps 1 or 2 out of every 20 people who seek it, but overall they're going to give you techniques that turn you into to assholes who make us think we need therapy. I'm sorry, but anybody who can make you just shut off your feelings about her is going to take the Dante we know and love away from us. What other facets of your passion are going to be destroyed? Just because giving a shit is out of fashion doesn't mean you should get it burned out of your brain. I think things are about to start changing anyway. Maybe you and I can get that ball rolling a little faster. Don't go to an emotion eraser. They're all on Maggie's side. Charlotte's side.

Gotta go to class. You know how to reach me. Please do. Besides, I have a computer question :-)

I know depression, it's evil.

[missfestival.livejournal.com]

Grieving takes many forms. It's so easy to be hard on one's self. You could sell yourself short on your grieving time and come out the other end of it more fragile and wary or you could assess if you have really been generous enough, timewise, with yourself. Loss is never easy, you deserve more credit than demanding of yourself that you move on.

[dimers.livejournal.com]

Mm. I'd snuggle you for a week (minus class and schoolwork time, of course).

Feeling desire to be rescued is pretty common these days.