If I feel fat today, that's not enough to send myself home from work is it?

[pseydtonne]

I feel fat today. I've never had this feeling before. I may be a pound or two up or something. In turn I feel my clothes and I don't like the feeling. It's like a constant touching without meaning.

In other news, I have only one car load of crap left to scoop from my cousin's place. I have three empty boxes sitting in my car waiting for my shift to end. I can only get about 45 minutes of packing done in that house when I'm alone there or else a pall settles in and I want to collapse. The small amount of stuff left should not take longer than that to move. Then I can drop off the key and be free.

I would like to describe this pall that lands on some people upon entering the place. Rachel feels it when she's there as well, so I'm not alone. You come in from the outside feeling however you had felt before you entered. Then the quiet of the place starts to get to you. Then it really creeps into you how there are nothing but dead-end rooms in the place. Then it feels like it's getting dark, no matter how bright it is outside.

Then I can feel like I want to go to the bathroom. Usually this is a few minutes after I'd already voided the flumes, so I can tell it's psychosomatic. I went through this my last couple months at Comcast, when I really didn't want to be there and my body was fighting me all the way. Knowing it's just my mind using my body to have a fit doesn't change the feeling that I don't want to do anything. I seize up.

My roomie is going through the same thing at his old place. He will be done moving out on Sunday and his big move-out is happening right now. When I get home tonight, I will have that sense of relief I've been wanting for a while. It'll be his turn Sunday night.

Last night I was half-lifing into the couch while watching the tube. I was nodding off. As I got up to put myself to be properly, it dawned on me how good it felt to fall asleep in front of the television. I hadn't done this in more than a year, with the exception of the time I brought Kibo and tkitch over and we tried to watch Chizeen, this miserably dull knock-off of Jackass made in Hong Kong. The most radical things they did were smash durians (they stink, we get it, but it's TV so we can't smell it) and ride a big wheel down a gently sloping and curving street. Yes, really. Then they repeated the bits two more times. I passed out for an hour.

Why is half-lifing into the couch so centering, so good for my psyche? Dunno. It's like a soul cookie. I have a domain again and I can be vulnerable in it. That way I can recharge from a day of helping people by giving into my own desires.

-Buddha with a clicker, Dante

Comments

[gravitrue.livejournal.com]

It's good to be wise enough to only do 45 minutes at a time. That took me too many years to learn.

If you had more to do, I'd recommend burning some sage there. You can look at it as "energy" stuff, or simply as using a ritual to alter your relationship to the place; taking control and changing things, an equivalent to opening a window and airing the place out, startling yourself into the present moment and throwing off the accumulated mental baggage about a place. But for one carload, not worth the bother.

BTW, not sure what email addy to use for you these days...

[pseydtonne.livejournal.com]

I would burn sage in the old place (you're not the first to mention this) but it's still my cousin's place. Also the landlord and landlady live next door and still look at me like I'm a creepy stranger because I don't nuzzle their Neuticles. Thus one of the landed would notice a smell, tell my cousin in classic passive-aggressive display, yell at me and bill me for something I don't feel will help.

On Sunday night I was there with Kibo. We were sitting on the couch taking a break from moving crap. We had a U-Haul van outside, the porch lights on, the house ights on and had been there almost two hours. Suddenly I see the landlady staring at me through the front window as if I were a burglar. I went to the front door, unlocked it and said hello. She said "oh, I just wanted to make sure there weren't prowlers stealing things." I don't think she has a real understanding how household theft works. I am pleased to be leaving.

Oh, and use the Gmail version of this LJ handle for an email address.

[tckma.livejournal.com]

"Nope, I can't come in to work today. I still feel fat."