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pseydtonneHi, I work at the largest cable company in New England. I'm sure you know our name.
Every day, someone buys a high-definition television set. This past month, many of you bought sets in hopes of seeing The Big Game in HD. All you could think was "Patriots will kick southern ass in high def and I'll be host to it!" Then you call the cable company mere days before the game assuming we'll let you pick up an HD box from the local office. Then you get mad when I, the salescritter that would get $1.50 for getting that HD cable box into your house, have to tell you the earliest we can come out is the Tuesday or even the Friday after the Superbowl.
Please don't call me a cocksucker, okay? Please do not yell at me as if I live on Mars and have no idea what a big deal this convergence of events this is (first high-def Superbowl, Patriots going to the big dance again) for Bostonians, Mancunians, and even Hartforders. Please don't call me some Martha Stewart asshole because I do not have enough technicians at my disposal to hook you up.
You knew you were getting a high-def TV. Maybe you didn't understand that there are two parts to the HD system: a monitor (the wide shiny thing you'll stare at) and a tuner (a separate device that turns the signal into 16x9 1080-line interlaced or 720-line progressive-scan entertainment to display on the monitor). That means most HDTVs are monitors, just like your computer monitor. Actually, your existing 17" computer monitor would make a better HD monitor but it's too small to trick you into paying four large for it.
Notice the tube (or plasma thang) costs a lot, but the tuner costs another $300 to $500. Do you know what this tuner can give you? Antenna-based local HD channels. Boston is lucky -- this could give you seven channels. Wouldn't that suck ass to shell out that much scratch to hook up an antenna and watch one game? Keep the receipt...
Our HD cable box is in such demand because it supplants the HD tuner. In fact, satellite providers are losing HD customers to cable because we are only charging a minor incremental (an extra $1.75 per month compared to a normal digital box) and they are requiring a new box and new dishes in some cases.
We aren't keeping the HD cable boxes in the offices because people fuck up when they set them up themselves. They aren't complex -- you can see one here. Well, they're more complex than a typical cable box because you don't just set the HDTV to channel 3 and run the coax from the box to the set (which you shouldn't bother doing anymore -- use the RCA or S-Video output and split the cable line to the VCR so you can change channels and dedicated the cable box to the non-standard channels). You run the coaxial (RG6) into the cable box, then composite video lines (three RCA wires) from there to one of the progressive inputs on the HD monitor. Then you need to tie the audio to your receiver and all the other crap. We assume this will take at least an extra 45 minutes compared to a normal cable box install. We would rather fuck up for you because you're going to call us anyway. Our frontline folks on the phone has no tools to help you because... ummm, we have no excuse for that. It bugged me out today when I found out I know more than the average video rep.
We can't set up a high-def box unless the HDTV is already there. Sorry. Stop whining. You want favors from the cable sales guy? Stop resisting the HBO pitch. You bought a $4000 TV set. Don't pretend you will be using it to decorate a room and never turn it on. Don't pretend you don't like movies. Try the premium channels again -- you haven't seen 'em in years. Try Showtime or Cinemax if you prefer skin. Try Starz! if you like more family-centric movies. There's no contract, you can swap down later.
There really isn't much in HD programming yet. There is a new satellite provider claiming to have HD-only content (Voom), but they are really only offering some normal channels and some extra high-def eye candy channels -- not much plot. The Superbowl is a killer app, but it's only one show. When it's over, you've got the Bruins (and the Red Sox starting in April). Sports and movies will push HD -- until someone starts making progressive-scan porn.
No, I'm not kidding. There has been some talk about how much pr0n drives technology and I agree. Sadly, pr0n has gone very lo-fi in the past two decades. Until it gets luscious again, few people will see an urgency to upgrade. Wouldn't you love to see high-quality sex?
Meanwhile, I hope everyone that placed HD orders with us in time enjoys the game. Even if you didn't and you meant to, you'll be ahead of everyone for the baseball season and right on time for hockey. We've tossed a lot of new technology into the mix as fast as sustainable. Thank you for your patience -- you'll laugh about it in a few years.
-so stop bitching, Ps/d
Every day, someone buys a high-definition television set. This past month, many of you bought sets in hopes of seeing The Big Game in HD. All you could think was "Patriots will kick southern ass in high def and I'll be host to it!" Then you call the cable company mere days before the game assuming we'll let you pick up an HD box from the local office. Then you get mad when I, the salescritter that would get $1.50 for getting that HD cable box into your house, have to tell you the earliest we can come out is the Tuesday or even the Friday after the Superbowl.
Please don't call me a cocksucker, okay? Please do not yell at me as if I live on Mars and have no idea what a big deal this convergence of events this is (first high-def Superbowl, Patriots going to the big dance again) for Bostonians, Mancunians, and even Hartforders. Please don't call me some Martha Stewart asshole because I do not have enough technicians at my disposal to hook you up.
You knew you were getting a high-def TV. Maybe you didn't understand that there are two parts to the HD system: a monitor (the wide shiny thing you'll stare at) and a tuner (a separate device that turns the signal into 16x9 1080-line interlaced or 720-line progressive-scan entertainment to display on the monitor). That means most HDTVs are monitors, just like your computer monitor. Actually, your existing 17" computer monitor would make a better HD monitor but it's too small to trick you into paying four large for it.
Notice the tube (or plasma thang) costs a lot, but the tuner costs another $300 to $500. Do you know what this tuner can give you? Antenna-based local HD channels. Boston is lucky -- this could give you seven channels. Wouldn't that suck ass to shell out that much scratch to hook up an antenna and watch one game? Keep the receipt...
Our HD cable box is in such demand because it supplants the HD tuner. In fact, satellite providers are losing HD customers to cable because we are only charging a minor incremental (an extra $1.75 per month compared to a normal digital box) and they are requiring a new box and new dishes in some cases.
We aren't keeping the HD cable boxes in the offices because people fuck up when they set them up themselves. They aren't complex -- you can see one here. Well, they're more complex than a typical cable box because you don't just set the HDTV to channel 3 and run the coax from the box to the set (which you shouldn't bother doing anymore -- use the RCA or S-Video output and split the cable line to the VCR so you can change channels and dedicated the cable box to the non-standard channels). You run the coaxial (RG6) into the cable box, then composite video lines (three RCA wires) from there to one of the progressive inputs on the HD monitor. Then you need to tie the audio to your receiver and all the other crap. We assume this will take at least an extra 45 minutes compared to a normal cable box install. We would rather fuck up for you because you're going to call us anyway. Our frontline folks on the phone has no tools to help you because... ummm, we have no excuse for that. It bugged me out today when I found out I know more than the average video rep.
We can't set up a high-def box unless the HDTV is already there. Sorry. Stop whining. You want favors from the cable sales guy? Stop resisting the HBO pitch. You bought a $4000 TV set. Don't pretend you will be using it to decorate a room and never turn it on. Don't pretend you don't like movies. Try the premium channels again -- you haven't seen 'em in years. Try Showtime or Cinemax if you prefer skin. Try Starz! if you like more family-centric movies. There's no contract, you can swap down later.
There really isn't much in HD programming yet. There is a new satellite provider claiming to have HD-only content (Voom), but they are really only offering some normal channels and some extra high-def eye candy channels -- not much plot. The Superbowl is a killer app, but it's only one show. When it's over, you've got the Bruins (and the Red Sox starting in April). Sports and movies will push HD -- until someone starts making progressive-scan porn.
No, I'm not kidding. There has been some talk about how much pr0n drives technology and I agree. Sadly, pr0n has gone very lo-fi in the past two decades. Until it gets luscious again, few people will see an urgency to upgrade. Wouldn't you love to see high-quality sex?
Meanwhile, I hope everyone that placed HD orders with us in time enjoys the game. Even if you didn't and you meant to, you'll be ahead of everyone for the baseball season and right on time for hockey. We've tossed a lot of new technology into the mix as fast as sustainable. Thank you for your patience -- you'll laugh about it in a few years.
-so stop bitching, Ps/d
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no subject
Date: 2004-01-28 11:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-29 07:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-29 07:52 am (UTC)heh. what you're running into is what happens when a particular piece of technology makes the transition from "device" to "appliance".
people (and i mean the public, not geeks) generally understand that, say, their computers are complex devices. they expect that their computers will perform certain tasks for them, but they also realize that there's a lot going on inside the box - there are a number of interrelated components, and a whole bunch of inscrutable software, and it all works together somehow, and when you want to change something or fix something, you need to talk to an expert.
on the other hand, people understand that their toasters (and flashlights, and table fans, and so forth) are appliances. these things perform one or maybe two simple tasks. they're trivial to set up; you plug them in and push a large button on the front. they don't need adjusting, or configuration, or upgrades. they don't need to be connected to any other devices. when they break, you throw them out and get a new one. you most certainly do not need to consult an expert about appliances.
problems arise with technology that's close to the borderline between these two classes. TVs and VCRs are prevalent enough, and designed to appear simple enough, that it's very easy for people to view them as appliances - and most of the time, that's ok. a TV really is pretty simple: you plug it in, and connect it to an antenna or the cable jack and a power plug, and you're good to go. hooking up a VCR, or a cable box, starts getting into the realm of scary compleity, but a basic TV is just a TV.
unfortunately, now manufacturers are selling devices that look like a TV but are really much more complex, and this puts Joe Sixpack in a tough situation. when he's at Best Buy looking at the big screen, it's not just that it hurts his pride to have to ask the sales drone how the system works, it's that it never occurs to him to do so; i mean, it's just a TV, right? it's bigger and brighter, and it takes two people to lift it, but it's just a TV. what's the big deal with hooking it up?
-steve
p.s. oh, and by the way: you're a cocksucker. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-29 10:55 am (UTC)Television:
1. You go to CircuitBuyUSearget, buy a television, and take it home.
2. You turn it on. You get broadcast stations.
3. You plug in the coax cable. You get cable.
HDTV:
1. You go to CircuitBuyUSearget and buy an HDTV and take it home.
2. You turn it on. You get "No Digital Signal."
3. You read the manual for 3 hours. Eventually the words "HD Tuner" sink in.
4. You call up PanaSonytachi. They say, "You didn't get the tuner? Idiot. It's only $1000."
5. You drive back to CBUST and get a tuner. It's actually $1200, and they sell you some $50 cables they assure you that you need.
6. You plug the tuner into the box with the $50 cable. You turn both on. You get a broadcast channel in HDTV showing a stretched version of their usual broadcast, plus a bunch of channels showing stretched out in Cinescope to prevent black-band burnin on your new over-wide tube.
7. Calls to service reassure you that this idiocy is somehow NORMAL.
8. Ps/d sells you digital/HD cable. But the only show in HD is hockey, which, while cool, isn't enough to require $4000 in extra gear.
9. Randomly, stations have a broadcast in HD. But since your set is only listening to the "regular" broadcasts, you miss them.
10. TiVo sells you an HDTiVo, but it somehow hasn't shipped yet. Now you can't use your TiVo either.
11. 2008 rolls around, and broadcasts are completely obsolete. Everyone watches downloaded television at crappy 800x600 dual-scan (or maybe a rare "wide" broadcast in 800x300), because it's "good enough". We all laugh at HD owners.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-30 03:12 pm (UTC)I'm suffering similarly at work, due to the My Doom etc this week. Fucking Virus writers, get a real job....
no subject
Date: 2004-02-06 07:38 pm (UTC)http://slate.msn.com/id/2094788/